Never a dull moment at TRM (Tongariro River Motel)…

While SWMBO is in Auckland – more shopping leave – without Her censoring I can announce Her new change in strategy – niche marketing – for TRM.

In her absence, we are certain SWMBO  (She Who Must Be Obeyed manages everything she sees around here) is delighted to announce that in addition to the anglers motel, She now manages an ‘escort agency’.  True!.  TRM has been warned it is also important to emphasise this change with you all if we wish to continue in this business.   Yikes!

I suggest it might be prudent from now on to address Her as “Madam” SWMBO (?).  And Hannah – TRM’s sweet young lady who assists guests (to travel to various places by hiking or biking or canoe or raft or vehicle) – needs to be referred to as TRM’s “escort”.

She is definitely not a guide.  No way.  That is the whole point.  TRM have been advised (from our spy in the Kremlin) that this is essential “in the interests of avoidance” in anticipation of complaints received from DOC and/or competitors, although they must realise that none could compete with TRM’s escort service.

Other guests have suggested ‘companion’, ‘friend’, ambassador (?), assistant, tag-a-long, hanging out, chaperon, scout, usher, consort, and other similar titles but to maximise the promotion, we have chosen the term “escort”.  TRM have been warned – It is difficult to believe they are serious – never to use the word “guiding” when referring to Hannah’s role at TRM.  OK?

We repeat, she is not a guide.  We prefer to be completely up-front and honest about this, just in case you thought we had loosely referred to her as a “g——“.  She is not like any of the other professional guides that operate in the Tongariro National Parks or tracks or rivers.  She is only to be described as a friend or companion or ‘escort’.  A “100% pure” escort.  OK?

(I am sure SWMBO will insist we make it very clear this is not the sort of ‘escort’ that Flora McDonald might have employed a few years ago in Ring Terrace in Auckland – just in case you have the wrong idea about Her motives.)

Closer to TRM Hannah’s speciality is the Tongariro River Trail – i.e.

Escorting anglers to introduce them where the best fishing spots are.

Escorting bikers to encourage them to bike the circuit around the river to the Tongariro Trout Farm.

Escorting canoes or rafts down the river in TRM’s ‘water striders’.

Escorting tourists tramping on local unmarked tracks or longer walks chosen by tourists in keeping with their ability and fitness levels.

Escorting novices looking for adventure and ideal for holiday fun in the great outdoors.

For the more adventurous Hannah can join them in a raft trip through the upper Tongariro River or even a raft fishing trip.

With winter just around the corner a trip to play in the snow should be on everyone’s list.

These places of special interest to TRM inmates, such as the Tongariro River Trail, are not usually just in ‘National Parks’.  They could be anywhere in the North Island.  Or beyond?

To some tourists Hannah is just a nice friend to keep them company and make them feel more secure as she is familiar with the territory.  To others her main role might be interpreted to prevent them from getting lost.  Her aim is to give them a great day, a more memorable experience in NZ’s beautiful wilderness.

A couple of years ago TRM employed Kiki – see photos – for the same role – escorting ‘wannabe anglers’ around the river, biking the Tongariro River Trail, on raft trips down the upper gorges of the Tongariro River,  As no other so-called guides or agencies in Turangi could offer such a range of services, it was soon very popular.  Now TRM have another ‘Kiki’ to continue in the same manner but with a few important additional skills in the snow.  This is timely as the winter skiing season will soon be starting.

Many visitors only associate tramping as a summer activity as mountain tracks get obliterated by the snow.  But with winter not far away, Hannah can introduce you to some spectacular winter walks and activities improved by the snow.

The best of these, which should be on everyone’s bucket list, is a 7 km tramp to conquer the highest mountain in the North Island, New Zealand! – quite achievable by most.  Hannah has been up there many times in Summer and Winter and has all the safety knowledge necessary to adjust for the variable weather conditions.  Often, in the interests of safety, she may prefer other options.

We have also been warned not to call her activities ‘rent-a-friend’.  It is not appropriate to even hint that she might have to earn a basic living.  But there might be some hidden remuneration in inflated room rates but SWMBO will make sure it will be very difficult to decipher where the accommodation costs end and escort costs start.  That makes sure everyone pays GST too.  It is a package deal for guests only.

TRM show these various activities in videos – click on video above.  Unfortunately these activities have attracted criticism from others – such as guides who could not compete.  So TRM have to be more careful in what we call Hannah’s role.

For the last decade TRM have referred many guest anglers to specialist fly fishing guides providing much more intensive fishing skills than just ‘escorting’ them.  Some ask for a remote back country experience, some want to learn new techniques, some just want to catch a trout.  That is fine.   TRM will obviously continue to recommend such guided trips (- horses for courses) whenever they are needed.

So if you wish to turn another trip to Turangi into something really memorable then you know what to do – book now.