I have reluctantly joined many fishy inmates who have admitted to inevitable health issues as they mature. For many years I listened to their updated medical reports since the last time they stayed. They were interesting warnings as I knew it could never happen to me. How ignorant! Oh dear.

I don’t want to bore you all but older fishos might find this interesting. The drug companies will love it too.

About twenty five years ago I received my first replacement ankle. In anticipation of additional stress, the medical geniuses prescribed blood pressure pills. No problem, as after a couple of years I managed to gradually ease off them. My blood pressure hardly altered. But then the replacement ankle needed replacing so they put me back on the pills.

(The exciting photo above was from 2002 – to use if the magic ankles set off the x-ray machines at airports.)

After stumbling on slippery Tongariro River stones too many times, I have now had four ankle replacements and each time ended up hooked on new blood pressure pills.

But the main restricting problem was that with any physical exercise, my ankles ached and became sore, swollen, puffy, and inflexible. With screwed-in spare parts supporting it, this was understandable. It became serious as it restricted my ability to pursue and live my retirement dream of fly fishing. After several more wet dumps, I finally resorted to a second opinion from that well-known medical advisor, Dr. Google. Don’t laugh…

From Google browsing I finally discovered why my ankles were stuffed! The blood thinning pills caused the swelling – not the ankle replacements. There are any number of expert Pill Pushers advising me now – explaining the dangers of side effects from these pills. At no time did I ever reconcile my stiff swollen ankles with taking the pills. I assumed it was from the replacement parts.

Quote from Dr. Google: “Calcium channel blockers, which help to manage blood pressure, are a common cause, especially a type called dihydropyridines. The drug amlodipine is an example. Some swelling of the feet and ankles occurs in almost half the people who take calcium channel blockers.”

Then I gave up all pills and put them to the test. With Juno guiding me a few months ago we tramped down the Tongariro River as far as we could. I intended to take a photo of another TRM inmate down there and to get a lift back, but one hour later, by the time I arrived, he had been and gone. So I had to struggle back again – a marathon of over 15,000 shuffling iPhone steps and 30 photo stops. I have to take lots of photos for little rest stops. Even Juno was struggling to make it back to TRM.

The next day the ankles successfully passed their test. No pain and no swelling. After struggling and suffering for more than 20 years, it was a miracle. Then I realised the last twenty years of suffering from swollen ankles restricting my fishing was unnecessary. So now I have sworn off all pills and am organically pure again.

(My only unprescribed medication might be a wee dram – single malt of course – when the AB’s win. Just thought you would like to know.)

But then another major problem arose. As I was approaching Tongariro anglers’ voluntary retirement age – 80 – the NZTA sent me an application form for renewal of my driver’s licence. I passed the eye test and satisfied the blood pressure limits, etc. – all looked good, it was just a formality until they declined to issue me a medical certificate because of my history of slipping over in the river. The medical experts decided that I must have a dicky heart problem. They were obviously not Tongariro fishos.

More tests followed but still they could not find any issues – to indicate the possibility of atrial fibery. They sent me to an expert surgeon but he too failed to detect any irregular heart rhythms. But he was determined not to lose the opportunity to operate. He threatened that unless I agreed to allow him to operate to insert some sort of monitoring device in my heart (to improve my lifestyle?), he would not pass me. So even though they could not find anything wrong they were not going to lose the opportunity to operate.

Instead of paying $thousands for his gizmo, I invested in alternative medicine aka more modern technology – an Apple watch that talks to my new iPhone. It takes my pulse and even tells me there is no indication of atrial fibbing. It even tells the time!

Dr. Google advised: “An Apple Watch uses photoplethysmography technology – a simple optical technique used to detect volumetric changes in blood, to detect irregular heart rhythms, such as AFib, by measuring heart rate.” I knew that! It costs about the same as the operation but is more effective and more fun.

A key difference is that their proposed medical insert in my heart only communicates with the medical clinic. If it identifies a problem when I am out of reach hiking in the Kaimanawas or halfway to wherever that is futile information. Now I have up-to-the-minute updates to advise me first – instantly. That has to be far more efficient. Their existing system is out-of-date but they cannot admit that.

NOTES:

1 This offer is restricted only to mature Tongariro anglers who have slipped on the stones and got soaked at some time in their fishing journey.

2 TRM’s appeal to common sense must not be interpreted as any criticism of the Pihanga Health Clinic staff. We hold them in the highest esteem. i.e. In 2024 TRM donated Pihanga Health Clinic with a big hamper of exotic nibbles (from the Taupo Merchant no less) plus other intoxicating refreshments for their Christmas function.

3 Now I have formally appealed their decision I might need a second opinion if I am to ever enjoy driving inmates in TRM’s classic airport taxi again… see photo above. I wonder if any Tongariro River surgeon anglers – possibly needing comfortable holiday accommodation at very competitive room rates – might enjoy the challenge of providing a second opinion.

4 The NZTA who composed these rules are the same outfit applying the same logic that specified the use of orange cones to mark the edges of the road between Wellington and Auckland.

5 To maintain the same irrational logic, to improve road safety – apply to NZTA for a new Apple Watch and iPhone. They should be provided to any mature (over 65?) Tongariro River anglers who have experienced stress from a wet dip in the river, to check for any suspected irregular heart rhythms. Regardless of your physical condition, all should qualify as fly fishing could be stressful.

I knew you would agree.

Please apply directly to NZTA (aka Waka Kotahi) – email: www.nzta.govt.nz/medical requirements

Watch this space…