This is the sort of fishing report we are forced to compose after we have been away for a couple of days in New Plymouth and have no idea of what was happening back in TRM.

As I have no fishy updates from inmates, I have to provide the full painful background.

I confess I had some skin repair problems on my head for the last couple of years. It all started when I fell down the bank into the river over two years ago and a couple of bushes attacked me, but it was OK as I managed to find my iPhone. Since then the scars would not heal and bled every time I looked at them. Eventually a BOF (indicates his new status as a Boring Old Fart) guest, Robbie Cadogan, a retired medical practitioner, (see 2007 photo below) gave me strict orders to have them seen to by a professional – see photo above of him wearing heavy makeup to stop sunburn. That should be the message today. Do not forget it, like the writer who is now paying the price.

In accordance with Robbie’s instructions, I phoned for an appointment with our local Pihanga Health Clinic to fit me in for a referral to a skin surgeon but they could not, or would not (?) see me until April. (!) So I dismissed them (again!) and made a direct booking to see this wonderful bloke, photo above with his daughter a few years ago, and he squeezed me in within a week. The only problem was his surgery was in New Plymouth and we would need a night or two away for my recovery. No problem, Robbie and Maggie could manage TRM. They decided that if I could manage then it can’t be too difficult.

A minor complication was TRM has a top film crew here this week doing an updated Tongariro version of “A River Runs Through It” so I needed surgery to look more like the lead actor – Brad what’s-his-name. Anyway all that was accomplished and we returned today. The face lifting surgery has left me without any hearing so I am sulking by composing this instead. If the facts are wrong then blame the loss of hearing.

Amongst the other inmates left managing TRM were two West Islanders. Wayne Salmon has been here often before but was missing in action in my search of our photo library. His mate for this trip is Foxy, both by name and nature, as he has not managed to find any photos of their catch for TRM’s blog. The only photos of Wayne I could find for this story were dated six years ago so they will have to do. Nice car Wayne!

I think we are getting close to wrapping up this fishing report. Today, under pressure from SWMBO’s interrogation, I think Foxy admitted their combined catch was over 60 (That is not a typo. It reads sixty.) trout and I hinted they might like to prepare a summary of restricted reading only for other Australian fishos. Kiwis would just yawn and say “so?”.

This is what we have learnt from Mr. Trump. Or is this commercial blackmail? Now they will have to prepare a report and cannot claim how difficult the local fishing is. Most of the time these anglers from West Island are shy and reluctant to admit the size of their catch as they do not want you to know and they worry that their photos may reveal their fishing spots.

I hope you can read between the lines…