(For your weekend reading entertainment. Warning – this may be better than the Sunday papers.)

Turangi’s “Naylor’s Bookshop” (Lewis Dawson) has been asking for information on any books with highest sales of local content or historic interest, etc. So this blog is for them. This is the best story that ever came out of Turangi that never was published. We need to tell you why…

Not unexpectedly, SWMBO offered TRM’s effort at publishing their “mockumentary”, called TONGARIRO Skulduggery. We wondered if they had any books with sales close to TS? We believe they missed a great opportunity. TS failed to qualify for bookshops so we had to publish it privately and market it exclusively through the TRM reception. It had never been available for distribution via the usual publishers’ commercial system. Now, five years later, it could become a “collector’s item”.

We were not trying to hide anything. On the back cover is the confession – “This is my first (and last!) book. As I was advised my mockumentary plot might be too provocative and controversial for a publisher, I printed it myself.”

But this post for Lewis is about the original draft that nobody has read. It would have outsold TRM’s revised version several times over. Unfortunately, it had to be completely rewritten after the main character in the plot – TRM’s most famous fishy old boy decided, after he read the draft that included him, he needed to edit the story. He objected to sharing his story and would only agree by removing all the women in the plot. True! I tried to explain it was our story, not his. SWMBO could never agree to removal of all the other female characters, so the book had to be rewritten, removing the main star (Sir Robert Jones 24 November 1939 – 2 May 2025). It was a difficult commercial decision as his inclusion would have doubled the sales!

As expected, this meddling spoiled the coherence and flow and structure of the original chapters. I had almost given up when a neighbour, who is also a successful published author, read the revised draft and convinced me to print it. Now, five years later, we can reveal the identity of the original character and his part in TRM’s plot.

For overseas readers, who may be unaware of his influence, to appreciate why he was chosen, below is a 2013 Metro Magazine article on this extraordinary TRM inmate, who was originally selected and had agreed to feature in TS…

Dec 17, 2013 People

From the Metro archives: Sir Robert Jones, the world’s oldest man, is dead. He was 194.

A shy fellow, Jones was happiest alone in the Tongariro River tickling trout, emerging from time to time to present his cherished beliefs about sunglasses, grey shoes, cellphones and unattractive feminists.

For more than a century and a half he wrote a column for the FoxNZ Herald; a record bested only by the fictional “Shelley Bridgeman” character.

Born middle-aged, Jones was teased at school for wearing a smoking jacket and pipe, but the taunts fell away as his capacity for a left hook developed. By the age of 17 he had read every book ever written — twice — and owned 5700 investment properties.

Sunning himself in the warm glow of his success, he resolved to spend the remaining years of his life dabbling in property and sharing his wisdom with his fellow man. Women were also welcome to listen.

He became a talkback host, a columnist, an author, a commentator, a knight of the realm, a brawler with TV reporters.

Decades came, decades went. Politicians came, politicians went. New Zealand, once prosperous, grew poor. Foot and mouth disease liquidated the country’s 200 million dairy cows.

Through it all, one constant remained: Sir Bob Jones and his opinions on sunglasses, grey shoes, cellphones and unattractive feminists. His popularity never ebbed. For every old curmudgeon who breathed his last in a retirement home, another dudebro would pick up a newspaper for the first time and chuckle at Jones’ dyspeptic musings.

Nothing, it seemed, would ever change. But in Jones’ 12th decade it did, a little. He decided his true calling was the law.

The courtroom had long been his second home — a boxing ring of a softer kind — and he enjoyed the company of barristers. He admired their arrogance. He admired their bravado. He admired their talent for going about their business fortified by wine.

By the time he was 142 he was sitting in the Wellington High Court.

Although he had to be carried to and from the courthouse in a litter, and a factotum was required to lift his papers and hold his hand steady for signatures, his pronouncements from the bench were invariably those of a much older man, as they had ever been.

Legal scholars called his florid and discursive judgments the best sport since Lord Denning. “Ten days ago,” one judgment began, “the sky fell in Auckland, judging by the hysterical over-the-top reaction.”

Radio hosts stood by each morning to find out “who Bob’s going to stick it to today”.

“You’re not some kind of feminist girl are you?” he would ask witnesses, “because you sound like a very silly one.”

“Life is full of risks, which is why we buy insurance, wear seat belts, lock our doors, don’t holiday in Somalia or, as plainly needs to be said, walk alone through dark parks at night,” he would invariably remind assault victims.

His Friday afternoon sentencing sessions became a Wellington tradition. Spectators would eat popcorn as Sir Robert rasped: “You will now reside at our expense in prison for 70 years where hopefully some awful fate will befall you. Take his cellphone away, but let him keep his grey shoelaces.”

Sir Robert will be buried at his holiday home on Mars.

First published in Metro, November 2013. Illustration by Daron Parton.

Bob Jones wading across Vera’s Pool in September 2013.

So you can see why he was a natural choice to star in TRM’s classic mockumentary.

Two extracts below were selected from the original unpublished draft, that was declined.

The “original” TONGARIRO Skulduggery – Chapter 4:

….. Another angler’s name, “Bob Jones”, is synonymous with the Tongariro River. In the early days, the main accommodation for anglers was at the Tokaanu Hotel. Originally built in 1874 for the armed constabulary then stationed at Tokaanu, it was purchased by Bob Jones, who gradually extended his interests, developing three angling camps, one on Jones Island at the delta, one at Jones Pool and a third at the Hut Pool where he built ten huts – now known as the Bridge Pool adjacent SH1. Whilst his exploits with a spinning rod are fondly remembered, that Bob Jones is not the most famous in recent years. His namesake has become better known on the Tongariro River and throughout New Zealand for his notoriety.
Without doubt, the most well-known Tongariro trout angler in recent years is the successful property magnate, Bob Jones (Now Sir Robert Jones). Before he built his own holiday home on Taupahi Road, he was a regular “inmate” at TRM. He earned his fame (or notoriety?) in a most unusual but more memorable manner.
In his successful attempt to unseat the existing Prime Minister Muldoon, in July 1985, Bob Jones formed his own party. Then, after splitting the vote during the election, he announced to the astonished nation that the third most popular party was taking an eighteen-month recess. Anxiously seeking comment, TVNZ chartered a helicopter to track down Jones, who was seeking privacy and tranquillity fishing from the remote inaccessible banks of the lower Tongariro River delta. After searching his property from the air, they followed the course of the river down towards the delta, where he was identified wading in the river. After circling him, they landed close to where he was casting and completely ruined the peace and quiet that Bob Jones was seeking.
This was a memorable moment in Turangi’s short history. Bob Jones established his popularity and notoriety amongst trout anglers forever with his reaction. Before the TV journalist could interview him he was filmed charging out of the bushes, and after throwing his rod aside he attacked and punched the TV interviewer/journalist, followed by the cameraman also being thumped for good measure. Great footage.

Naturally, it was the top of the news on TV. The live punch-up with a blood-spattered journalist suffering a broken nose trying to report back was repeated many times afterwards. Kiwis love a good stoush. Eventually, the matter ended up in Court, where Bob Jones was fined $1,000 for assault. His fame increased forever amongst Tongariro anglers and the public when he asked the Magistrate if he paid $2,000, could he punch him again? Priceless!
As such, he was the best-known most qualified candidate to fit the plot for TRM’s deal broker, all as a result of finding the ancient remains of a skull on the Tongariro River.

But, just like Trump, our negotiations failed.

….. Chapter 15

TRM White Knight’s rescue package

TRM had to invent or concoct a quicker, innovative solution – something much better than to use an Asian based legal firm with questionable motives (?) and suspect Triad connections – someone to negotiate directly on their behalf, and they had to find them quickly. The warden was lying awake early one morning, mentally ticking off the possibilities, when finally it all fell into place. The first priority was to narrow the field down to identify a suitably qualified trout angler, as they are always points ahead in the cunning scheming department, the dirty tricks department, the thinking ahead department. They will understand. But who? And that was precisely when, at 3 am one morning, the decision was made to contact TRM’s most famous inmate, the Tongariro River’s most famous angler, to inquire if he could advise on the best option in their predicament. It was an inspired decision. Even SWMBO agreed. The broker selection surprised everyone else too.

……………….

TRM emailed a ‘brief’ outline of the plot that day, and their new Hero responded and confirmed with positive recommendations. Fortunately, he was previously aware of their peculiar situation from the social media publicity of TRM’s dilemma. By then, every angler who could read knew about the DNA coincidence and claim. It was just such a great story. He also surprised them when he concurred with their (tongue-in-cheek) plan for him to investigate to determine if he could “broker” a mutually satisfactory compromise, which all parties would have to agree to unconditionally, irrevocably, rather than proceed with the formal legal process started by Lucy. He was already based in Wellington, close to the seats of power in the Government. All the main players were already known to him. This approach could save $millions in court legal expenses and more importantly to TRM, assuming he was to negotiate it successfully, it could all be over in a couple of months. He would remove all the stress from TRM and do a ‘deal of the century’ to end the controversy. The potential fees did not drive him. He just relished such a challenge.

Having been a regular guest at TRM many years ago, he was already familiar with all of the issues that visiting anglers were so passionate about on the annual wish list. These were not just problems solved by throwing money at them, but the same issues that other tourist anglers had been so concerned about over the previous decade and longer. All Tongariro anglers were disappointed and annoyed at the steady, gradual deterioration of the Tongariro environment over many years of fishing. Many regular visitors were more aware than residents, who had somehow become used to the slow decay. Anglers had their own accurate measuring stick to assess the Tongariro River. Over the past twenty-plus years, the size, weight and condition and numbers of trout appeared to be steadily reducing. This was serious. Something had to be done. The visiting anglers had many other towns and rivers to compare. Everyone was concerned but no one knew how to prevent the continual deterioration following the development of the hydro power scheme. Until now! This was a unique opportunity for full redress.

TRM’s “white knight” was completely familiar with the steady flow of ‘letters to the editor’ type of dialogue with concerns and complaints from other anglers over the years. Most importantly, he was an old TRM inmate who loved Turangi and the Tongariro so much, he had eventually built his own holiday homestead on Taupahi Road about 400m south of TRM. So he was superbly qualified and ticked all the prerequisites, plus a few more, being an experienced Tongariro angler with a background of many years of trout fishing. He understood the peculiar issues that motivated anglers. Some fishy issues like protecting water quality may be difficult to specify and may not appear so important to Councils and governments, but they are vital to anglers. They are even more critical to trout condition. He understood all that.

It was almost too much of a coincidence as well. He was extremely wealthy after many successful years in the property business. At about 80 years young, he did not need TRM’s business, but the whole scenario appealed to his sense of fair justice. He had proved many times he had the skills and the power to influence, i.e. he previously flirted with the Government over major policy matters over 30 years ago and had done more to affect the outcome of an election and change the government than anyone else in NZ.

As such, he already had the grudging respect or awe of those in power. Some feared him, which was to TRM’s advantage. They would take more notice and listen to him more carefully than any other legal advisor that TRM could hope to appoint. He had appeared in court many times over many different issues so was highly experienced, rather than a dry legal academic, to negotiate directly for a mutually advantageous deal to everyone’s benefit.

What was more, he was an interested listener who understood the big picture and immediately switched into the practicality of the issues and offered some valuable assistance in several matters, so there was no hesitation from TRM, who were so relieved to hand over the entire ‘case’ and follow his wisdom. After just one meeting, it was delegated entirely to him, Sir Robert Jones, to negotiate directly with Government, as representing the three main affected parties – the Maoris, the Government and the Councils (Taupo District Council and Waikato Regional Council), as they all had so much to lose if the legal claim was successful.

All he requested from TRM was to complete the essential wish list (aka Turangi Treaty) as the basis for negotiations – to achieve all the items that were overlooked or had been neglected for many years, to convert Turangi into a real anglers’ paradise for a fishy retirement. Wow!

To provide him some wriggle room – to allow Government negotiators some success in the negotiations, the ladies could not resist adding a couple of wild ‘extras’ which were even beyond the wildest dreams of TRM’s most ambitious inmates, just in case they had to be seen to concede to some small victory, if they were going to agree to the terms of the ‘Wish List’. Judicial history was about to be made…

The worst scenario was that if they refused to compromise, it would trigger the biggest legal land claim settlement in New Zealand’s history. It would be bigger than the Post Office scandal in the UK. But if they agreed, they would save the country $Billions. Either way, the outcome would have been very interesting for TRM and the good folk of Turangi. The warden would die happy and contented that he had tried his best to improve the love of his life, the mighty Tongariro River.

So it went on for another 15 chapters of BS negotiations holding the government to ransom. It was more exciting than Trump v’s Putin. But sadly, Bob would not agree to sharing the story with the other inmates, so his absence weakened the plot. Had he agreed, I am sure any publisher would have run with it, and it would have been Turangi’s and Naylor’s Bookshop’s best-selling book ever.

So there you are Lewis, the best book on Turangi never was. Instead, all readers knew was TRM’s reduced vanilla version starring SWMBO instead…